I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns

I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
Dennis Miller