I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. Fields

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Erma Bombeck

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
Henry David Thoreau

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Oscar Wilde

It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.
Leonardo da Vinci

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield