Woody Allen Quotes

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

Funny, Death, Afraid

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Woody Allen

Happy, Talent, Liking

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen

Thankful, Laughter, Nose

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen

Love, Good, Experience

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

Success, Percent, Eighty

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen

God, Laugh, Him

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

Night, Saturday, Date

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

Teacher, Education, School

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody Allen

Government, Watching

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen

Failure, Again, Failing

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

Life, Loneliness, Suffering

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen

Peace, War, Read

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Marriage, Home, Wife

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen

Funny, Life, Someone

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen

Life, Death, Evening

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Woody Allen

Nothing, Dream, Somebody

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

Good, Bad, Enjoy

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

Nothing, Everything, Illusion

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

God, Give, Making

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

Wife, Decision, Boss

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

Money, Poverty, Financial

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

Funny, Team, Chess

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Woody Allen

Words, Him, Guy

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen

America, Year, Office

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen

Nature, God, Hard

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: December 1, 1935

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