Tommy Cooper Quotes

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Tommy Cooper

Help, Around, Looking

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Tommy Cooper

Age, Bad, Woman

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
Tommy Cooper

Used, Sure, Quite

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Tommy Cooper

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
Tommy Cooper

Said, Yes, Asked

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper

Night, Last, Gone

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
Tommy Cooper

Today, Said, Actually

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Tommy Cooper

Great, Car, Give

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
Tommy Cooper

Thought, Put, Said

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
Tommy Cooper

Today, Four, Shopping

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
Tommy Cooper

Marriage, Wife, Married

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Tommy Cooper

Said, House, Building

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Biography

Nationality: British

Born: March 19, 1921

Died: April 15, 1984

Links

Find on Amazon: Tommy Cooper

Cite this Page: Citation

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