If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.
Robert Benchley

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.
Robert Benchley

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.
Robert Benchley

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
Robert Benchley

Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.
Robert Benchley

Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off.
Robert Benchley

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
Robert Benchley

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.
Robert Benchley

The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
Robert Benchley

There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.
Robert Benchley

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.
Robert Benchley

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.
Robert Benchley

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.
Robert Benchley

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.
Robert Benchley