Paula Poundstone Quotes

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

Funny, Mother, Name

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.
Paula Poundstone

School, Put, Word

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
Paula Poundstone

Same, Problem, Face

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
Paula Poundstone

Time, Death, Tired

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
Paula Poundstone

Funny, Thankful, Put

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
Paula Poundstone

Mom, Someone, Trying

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone

Kids, Looking, Ideas

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
Paula Poundstone

Life, Humor, Someone

How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.
Paula Poundstone

Time, Else, Step

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.
Paula Poundstone

Great, Why, Making

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.
Paula Poundstone

Hard, Made, Felt

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.
Paula Poundstone

Women, Nothing, Night

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.
Paula Poundstone

Thankful, Music, Time

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
Paula Poundstone

Home, Kids, Anywhere

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.
Paula Poundstone

Beautiful, Learned, Used

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.
Paula Poundstone

Night, Before, Tell

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.
Paula Poundstone

Love, Made, Key

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
Paula Poundstone

Love, Off, Talking

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.
Paula Poundstone

Love, Long, Mean

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.
Paula Poundstone

Life, Work, Care

I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.
Paula Poundstone

Time, Talk, Community

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
Paula Poundstone

Humor, Family, Nothing

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.
Paula Poundstone

Everything, Done, Before

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
Paula Poundstone

Everyone, Number, Annoying

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.
Paula Poundstone

Family, Mother, School

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: December 29, 1959

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