P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
P. J. O'Rourke

Love, Power, Society

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

Funny, Children, Everybody

The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich.
P. J. O'Rourke

Politics, Good, Bad

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P. J. O'Rourke

Government, Money, Power

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
P. J. O'Rourke

Politics, Work, Government

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

Funny, Important, Godliness

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke

Funny, Parents, May

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.
P. J. O'Rourke

New Year's, Health, Great

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
P. J. O'Rourke

Human, Duty, Please

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.
P. J. O'Rourke

History, Death, Character

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
P. J. O'Rourke

Government, Good, Feeling

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
P. J. O'Rourke

Politics, Selling, Buying

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
P. J. O'Rourke

Good, Die, Read

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
P. J. O'Rourke

Death, Children, Him

I think it's been hard for people to understand how Islam can be a good religion, and yet the Islamists are evil. Those of us who have had experience with Islam understand this, just as we understand the difference between snake handlers and people going to church on Sunday morning.
P. J. O'Rourke

Religion, Good, Morning

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
P. J. O'Rourke

America, Pleased, Founded

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
P. J. O'Rourke

Rock, Country, Hell

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
P. J. O'Rourke

Nothing, Person, Three

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
P. J. O'Rourke

Women, Number, Among

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
P. J. O'Rourke

Women, Yourself, Enjoy

Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke

Funny, Fight, Object

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
P. J. O'Rourke

Drunk, Person, Through

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid.
P. J. O'Rourke

Experience, Learning, Stupid

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
P. J. O'Rourke

Children, Tell, Stop

Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
P. J. O'Rourke

Stupidity, College, Sent

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: November 14, 1947

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