Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
Jerry Seinfeld

Birthday, Old, Getting

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

Funny, Amazing, Happens

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld

Funny, Men, Care

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Jerry Seinfeld

Busy, Nothing, Everything

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld

Pretty, Before, Problem

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld

Funny, Mafia, Irs

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
Jerry Seinfeld

Life, Live, Moving

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld

Christmas, True, Spirit

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
Jerry Seinfeld

Good, Yourself, Husband

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld

God, End, Important

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes, Reason, Road

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Jerry Seinfeld

Why, Here, Mistake

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Jerry Seinfeld

Thinking, Evidence, Pieces

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Jerry Seinfeld

Read, Deserve, Lied

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Jerry Seinfeld

Marriage, Game, Made

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld

Family, Fun, Whole

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
Jerry Seinfeld

Special, Put, Hear

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Jerry Seinfeld

Fun, Laugh, Friends

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
Jerry Seinfeld

Women, Men, Advice

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
Jerry Seinfeld

Yourself, Alive, Challenges

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
Jerry Seinfeld

Funny, Delicate, Explosive

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
Jerry Seinfeld

Good, Two, Team

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
Jerry Seinfeld

Business, Off, Ridiculous

I love being a dad. I just love it.
Jerry Seinfeld

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: April 29, 1955

Links

Find on Amazon: Jerry Seinfeld

Cite this Page: Citation

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