My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman

Take my wife... Please!
Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman