George Carlin Quotes

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Funny, Dark, Weather

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

Idiot, Anyone, Anybody

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

Christmas, Live, Bad

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin

Work, Time, Why

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin

Time, Job, Someone

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

Thinking, Whole, Older

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Funny, Die, Soul

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin

Mean, Off, Left

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

Pet, Petty, Sweat

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

Death, Together, Two

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin

Said, She, Purpose

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin

Person, Inside, Cynical

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin

Talk, Reason, Accept

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin

Alone, True, Universe

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin

Work, Money, Hard

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Funny, Lightning, Organized

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
George Carlin

Language, English, Shortest

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin

America, Show, Born

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin

Care, Desperate

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin

Evil, May, Confused

Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin

Authority, Pope

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin

Family, Nice, Real

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin

Feeling, Chocolate, Eating

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: May 12, 1937

Died: June 22, 2008

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