Erma Bombeck Quotes

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Erma Bombeck

Tired, Young, Old

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma Bombeck

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Erma Bombeck

Design, Human, Sometimes

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Erma Bombeck

Car, Automobile, Designers

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Erma Bombeck

Sun, Off, Ourselves

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
Erma Bombeck

Gossip, Baseball, National

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
Erma Bombeck

Body, Wants, Eat

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Erma Bombeck

Medical, Book, Getting

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Erma Bombeck

Mother, Die, Said

God created man, but I could do better.
Erma Bombeck

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
Erma Bombeck

Children, Parents, Written

Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Erma Bombeck

Food, Body, Order

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Erma Bombeck

Men, Hair, Stop

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
Erma Bombeck

Age, Strength, Him

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Erma Bombeck

Bad, Long, Leave

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Erma Bombeck

Women, Put, Kids

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Erma Bombeck

Mom, Wisdom, Mother

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
Erma Bombeck

Woman, Accent, Buy

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
Erma Bombeck

Someone, Small, Dead

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
Erma Bombeck

Children, Television, Eat

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Erma Bombeck

Time, Car, Improve

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
Erma Bombeck

Why, Anyone, Shopping

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
Erma Bombeck

Easy, Longer, Watching

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
Erma Bombeck

Start, Themselves, Seriously

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
Erma Bombeck

Courage, May, Give

Share with your Friends

Everyone likes a good quote - don't forget to share.

Biography

Nationality: American

Type: Journalist

Born: February 21, 1927

Died: April 22, 1996

Links

Find on Amazon: Erma Bombeck

Cite this Page: Citation

Popular Topics

Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

Related Authors

Hunter S. Thompson
Ambrose Bierce
Andy Rooney
Mignon McLaughlin
Fran Lebowitz
Kin Hubbard
Franklin P. Adams
More

Get Social with BrainyQuote

BrainyQuote Desktop

BrainyQuote Mobile

Site

Quote of the Day

Social

BQ on Pinterest

Syndication

Funny Quote Feed

Love Quote Feed

Nature Quote Feed

About Us