Demetri Martin Quotes

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin

Birthday, Christmas, Happy

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
Demetri Martin

Morning, Hope, Nice

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
Demetri Martin

Love, Trust, Women

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Demetri Martin

Funny, Says, Outside

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
Demetri Martin

Hope, Problem, Another

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
Demetri Martin

Alone, Help, Busy

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Demetri Martin

Sorry, Someone, Thought

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!
Demetri Martin

Trust, Women, Liar

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
Demetri Martin

Nice, Someone, Hell

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Demetri Martin

Funny, Tell, Fat

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin

Time, Good, Loser

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Demetri Martin

Laugh, Honest, Computer

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Demetri Martin

Fun, Die, Sometimes

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
Demetri Martin

Food, Morning, Sometimes

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Demetri Martin

Good, Sports, Everything

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
Demetri Martin

Someone, Hard, Confusion

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin

Funny, Great, Camera

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin

Time, Heart, Game

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
Demetri Martin

Start, Getting, Calling

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Demetri Martin

Sorry, Saying, Same

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Demetri Martin

Time, Down, Move

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin

Same, Child, Door

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
Demetri Martin

Time, Keep, Songs

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin

Drunk, Dangerous, Driver

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: May 25, 1973

Links

Find on Amazon: Demetri Martin

Cite this Page: Citation

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