The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
Dave Barry

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
Dave Barry

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
Dave Barry

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
Dave Barry

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
Dave Barry

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
Dave Barry

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Dave Barry

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
Dave Barry

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
Dave Barry

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
Dave Barry

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Dave Barry

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
Dave Barry

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
Dave Barry

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
Dave Barry

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
Dave Barry

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
Dave Barry

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
Dave Barry

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Dave Barry

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave Barry